Why have all the biggest meteor impacts recorded by humans hit in Russia? I don’t know precisely. Yes, Russia is big, but not that big – only 15% of Earth’s land area, giving odds of 1 in (0.15)3 = or 3 in a thousand. It must be some kind of massive quantum field vortex. When the Chelyabinsk meteor hit back in February, it confirmed my suspicions, and my plan began to take shape. First, I’d need lots of magnets to catch a meteorite (many meteorites are mostly iron). How to get a lot of magnets quickly? So I posed as a Mormon missionary (Elder Jon) to get into homes, and quickly grabbed some magnets from their refrigerator when the resident turned around. I paid a teenager to pose as my mission partner (Elder Josh). Getting through TSA was a little tricky. I had to explain why I had hundreds of refrigerator magnets in my carry-on luggage, but after I explained the massive quantum field vortex to them, the TSA agents kinda looked at each other and then let me go through. I guess they realized how important this was. I kept having to return cell phones and other devices that attached themselves to my carry-on luggage as I walked through the airport and onto the plane, but that’s not as bad as getting to my new home in Russia and finding that all the data had been erased from my flashdrives and credit cards. So I had to go into the woods, make a bow and arrow, shoot a caribou, and barter to get basic necessities. Funny, the mutant radioactive pigs were easier to shoot, but no one would barter anything for them. Well, back to sleep for me, just as soon as I finish a logbook entry for today’s date…….