Monday, April 1, 2013

By the Glow of a Pig......

*Special April 1st Edition*

4:11 AM, 37 miles North East of Krasnoyarsk, Russia.

Nothing on the magnets.  Darn.  I’m going back to bed.  Excitement from a dream about finally catching a meteor fragment woke me up, and it’s only a matter of time now until I catch one.  Last week, I added 29 more magnets, bringing my total up to 472.   I am a little concerned I might pull in a random car driving by, but back here in the woods I haven’t seen much traffic besides caribou and mutant radioactive pigs. 

In Krasnoyarsk
The pigs are useful at least – they glow so brightly that I can see if anything is on the magnets by their light when they run past at night.  Plus, when my oil lamp in the cabin ran out of oil, I caught one and suspended her from the ceiling for light for a couple days until I could get more caribou oil.  I’ve still got a few bruises from where she kicked my head as I walked under her, but I guess that’s not too bad.  I wish I could figure out why my hair has started falling out, however.  Oh, yeah, there isn’t electricity here.  I’m a little ways outside of Krasnoyarsk, Russia.  Calculating an inverted quantum geometric mean from the GPS coordinates of Tunguska, Sinkhote-Alin, and Chelyabinsk luckily landed me within a few dozen miles of a major city.  Why those places?  Because those are the locations of the biggest meteor impacts witnessed & recorded by humans (on Earth), and if I’m going to catch one, this seems to be the place to be.   
Why have all the biggest meteor impacts recorded by humans hit in Russia?  I don’t know precisely.  Yes, Russia is big, but not that big – only 15% of Earth’s land area, giving odds of 1 in (0.15)3 =  or 3 in a thousand.  It must be some kind of massive quantum field vortex.  When the Chelyabinsk meteor hit back in February, it confirmed my suspicions, and my plan began to take shape.  First, I’d need lots of magnets to catch a meteorite (many meteorites are mostly iron).  How to get a lot of magnets quickly?  So I posed as a Mormon missionary (Elder Jon) to get into homes, and quickly grabbed some magnets from their refrigerator when the resident turned around.  I paid a teenager to pose as my mission partner (Elder Josh). Getting through TSA was a little tricky.  I had to explain why I had hundreds of refrigerator magnets in my carry-on luggage, but after I explained the massive quantum field vortex to them, the TSA agents kinda looked at each other and then let me go through.  I guess they realized how important this was.  I kept having to return cell phones and other devices that attached themselves to my carry-on luggage as I walked through the airport and onto the plane, but that’s not as bad as getting to my new home in Russia and finding that all the data had been erased from my flashdrives and credit cards.  So I had to go into the woods, make a bow and arrow, shoot a caribou, and barter to get basic necessities.  Funny, the mutant radioactive pigs were easier to shoot, but no one would barter anything for them.  Well, back to sleep for me, just as soon as I finish a logbook entry for today’s date…….